May…

Sitting back listening to the sound of the wind tussling with the trees and their branches, and watching as tiny drops of what’s left over from the thunderstorm drip down the side of the metal fences encasing me, saturating the sidewalks with it’s purpose, washing away the weeks’ dirt, I breathe. In and out I breathe to clear my mind and align my words with my thoughts or my thoughts with my words, whichever way comes first, I am clear now.

For so long my vision have been compromised alongside my own thoughts. Somehow, along the way, I have lost control of my inner being and have allowed calmness to disappear in front of my eyes without questioning why or whom caused such departure. During this night I have retrieved what was lost and found my way back to me. I seem a bit unfamiliar with myself, but I know all that’s needed is for me to become more familiarized and let go of all the things that blind me, that fool me, that hides me from myself. So tonight I breathe for the first time in months, and I know where I’m at and where I’m going.

It is never too late to see what’s right in front of you even if you’ve ignored it for some time. To recognize the importance of life and of the things that drive us forward will only lend to our happiness in the end, even if the journey is sprinkled and sometimes overpowered with less than happy ventures. Never knowing what lies ahead due to fear and anxiety and stress or whatever prevents greatness from blooming only lends for whatever you already have.

So, if what you have is what fills your world with joy and happiness and completes you, then you’ve already took this journey I’m speaking of. But if you look around and feel empty and anything less than happiness within and without, then it may be time for you to weather your storm. For us to get anywhere in this short life we’ve been given , we must first know how many steps in which we should take and where it is we are going, and why we’re going there and above all else , appreciate the journey, good or bad because isn’t that the majority of where our time is spent?

Well, it’s May and possibly my garden will bloom after all of this rain. If not, I have these moments daydreaming of such, and sometimes daydreaming is better than stagnation.  And perhaps daydreaming is half the steps to get to where I’m going.

 

 

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Reality…

Sometimes we get so caught up in the past that we lie to ourselves about our current situation. For me, I do not claim to know what I’m doing in this life. I’m just merely trying to keep my head above water. I’m trying to keep my eyes focused on reality and sometimes indulge in my own inner peace even if it is prettier than my outer space. I try to make the right decisions for myself and others if I so have the chance to do so.

Nevertheless , this world is filled with many obstacles and tribulations and most of all confusion and chaos. To clear the slate and just breathe is what we all are seeking to do really. But the relationships in which we build along the way is what we face within and leave behind. I try to be good and do right by the people that cross my path in this life but to make everyone happy is seemingly impossible.

To be kind is to be seemingly unkind momentarily sometimes. Perhaps with time people will be able to see the good underneath what seems to hurt at the time. Beyond any human doings, people are creatures of love and pain. We seek both. We seek out love but pain is attached whether we attach it ourselves or watch out for others to do the attaching , it’s still there. To truly appreciate the love we all seek out, we must all endure the pain of not being loved. It’s just one of those things. We appreciate and recognize things like love far more deeply and accurately if we can compare it and it’s feelings to the opposing. It just makes no sense at all and all the sense in the world at the same time.

When looking forward, what kind of world do you see for yourself and what does it take to get you there? Find your passion , find your peace, and be good to people along the way because this is your story- how are you portraying yourself?

Regardless if you understand someone else, understand yourself and those things won’t matter. To blame others because of your own lack of understanding is pointless and most definitely counterproductive to what you are wanting to accomplish in life. I’m not saying rush your life away, but the sooner we all become real with ourselves, the sooner we will land on the right track in life- the track in which peace fills our hearts and minds and the world becomes more beautiful to our eyes and clarity becomes us.

To seek is to find if only we could fully understand what it is that we’re all seeking.

If I were to draw a map of my world now and where I’m going it may look like a four-year-old drawing of their idea of traveling through space landing at a big black hole watching myself get spaghettified. But that doesn’t stop my search , my owning of my wrong turns , nor my faith in finding all the things that make me smile and laugh and love because anything else on this planet, well, let’s just say that those things are the “slide of hand” and the real magic is behind the scenes we all have grown accustom to viewing as our norm. My norm will not look like that. I will see past the blinding trickery of this world and focus on what really matters. And for me, that’s all I can do is to sing my song as truthful and accurate as humanly possible but without all the poison sucking the life out of me.  What matters to me is seeing that reality is the fantasy I’ve played over and over in my head- The reality that seems to be there but has become suffocated my the chaos and rubbish this society and the one before has casted atop such beauty. And digging through the mess is no easy feat and only for the determined- minded. And that I am and that matters very much to me.

So, what really matters to you?

Brown Eyes…

Aligning my years with today

I see clear as to where I’ve been

And the people I held so dear

Lost aside their own befriend

Forgetting the bar I’ve set

And raising it a notch or two

Does not begin to covet

The things that they sought through

Alone I may be today

But tomorrow may bring anew

My eyes are set to start

And my heart is set to few

Whispering pines waft along my ears

And the silence feeds my soul

And remembering all I held on to

Only lends for my letting go .

Privately I sit and wonder

And dream of a different view

But the path is stripped down of its coverings

Revealing what I already knew.

To speak aloud the things I see

Would make you cry for pain

My eyes , they bind with leather

Blinding me from the vain

But If lying eyes had a color

Blue would be its’ name

And if they had a mother

She’d sure fall to shame

But letting go is driving

While brown eyes are look out

And if she gets too weary

He’ll wash away her doubt

The waves of the ocean couldn’t carry away

The words I want to say

Nor all the pain this world can give

Could ever kill my flame

All before and none after

The trail ends at the moon

And loving words will skate his tongue

And kiss away the gloom.

Brown eyes and striking glare,

He’ll cautiously prepare

And glide his steps upon my back

And slowly move my hair.

His lips as smooth as silk

His mind as sharp as a knife

His hands as firm as the bed I lay

Swiftly into his night

Hands securely fastened

Ankles locked in place

His eyes upon my bare skin

As his mind begins to race

I close my eyes and hold my breath

And darkness follows dread

But I give in to him completely

As he floats around my head

His shadow lingers over me

I feel his breath on my skin

Ravenously,he consumes all of me

I’m no longer caged in .

But his eyes , his eyes

Like darts in the sky

Shoot through me like lightning

But I do not flinch to his daring eyes

Though what ties around is frightening.

For leather and lace can take that place

And perhaps,  butterflies and rainbows

But together forever we’ll float like a feather and weather whatever the wind holds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vexation…

Trying to find the words

Leaving out the plot

If this is supposed to be easy

Why do I feel it’s not

Tonight the dread sets into place

Racing back in time

The things that hide just won’t erase

For what you seek you’ll find

A myriad of thoughts

Rushing right over me

Aside myself I’m dreaming

But ahead, reality

Counting the lines backward

The trail is very clear

It may take a scream or two

To lose what brought me here

If sleepless nights and counting sheep

Is what it takes to kill

I’d calculate forever

And sleep after the thrill

Til then, I’ll paint my picture

Brushing over those marks

And carry around what’s not to be found lightly upon my heart.

 

 

Lost…

Inside and out, he is twisted. He searches and searches but for what? Himself? His purpose? Or does he merely run? Does he run from himself in hope to destroy the person in which he smothers with denial and fabricated thoughts of grandeur?  When his head hits his pillow, does he know and accept or force himself to forget? Does the time in which he passes by fend off his true identity or does that same time feed it more? Can one truly understand oneself and if so, what would be the point of having just the mere knowledge of knowing?  Then what? Would that change one’s actions, thoughts, feelings, but more importantly, motivations? Can prying too deeply into one’s own ego create more travesty than satisfaction or are those words synonymous? To some, perhaps so.

But how do we, as human beings find our center? We are pulled from all corners and from all angles in society for some reason or another and to stand still for a moment and just be is hardly the case. We work and we work and we work, but for what? A house, a car, status, acceptance, to become more appealing to the opposite sex? Who knows really what drives us, but we keep on driving toward something, possible just our own cold hole in the ground, awaiting for someone to maybe possibly shed a tear or drop a flower or two atop our sodded roof.

 

 

Uncaged…

Somewhere in the middle of fall and clarity, she stumbled across her bewildered confusion.

She painted her idyll scene to the bends of her imagination. With delicate strokes she drew upon her world with what lends to her own satiation- leaving out all the evil that encompassed her world. She pranced around in her freedom until her legs gave out , but her mind would spin and spin far beyond her control. But the noise from her thoughts did not alter her journey. Her path was clear for she has spent many years catering to the needs that allow it to be. Without an ounce of uncertainty she follows the road that takes her to her fairyland. With eyes and mind focused, she prevents the ways of the world to distract her from where she is going. She imagines what she will do when she gets there and absorbs the journey as she follows. Her appreciation of life is child-like, oblivious to the trolls and imps that try to lure her astray from her beauty. Her mind is sharp and her heart is caged and her needs are not of importance to her. Whenever the spins of her mind land there, she equips her stars and strikes them out of her sky. The very thought of confusion keeps her comfortably recluse. Her happiness may be self created but that is the way it must be for her. That is the way her stars have aligned. That is the way it was and to her, always would be.

Comfortable in her pursuits, she allows herself to explore what she knows is not for her but fills a temporary void in which she’s predicted. She climbs into a truck filled with smoke and sadness and she knows in an instant that her heart is not leading but her mind and body salutes. She learns and listens and laughs and lingers until the moon is calling for her distance. As she walks away, she feels a spark of intrigue alongside the disillusion of her sate, reaffirming her isolation from the characters that dance about at midnight. To her, she feels but she feels alone and her thoughts race on the same one-tracked slab she’s carved out to her steps. Nevertheless, she needs to learn and grow and be and to grow she needs water and sunlight, even if it’s superficial, it still moistens her buds. Treading lightly, she creeks open the door and walks in once again with her shoes glued and her hair tightly amused atop her head. Her brush veers off her canvas and she shadows it with her body, blocking its’ permanence from seeping into her reality. But she patiently observes. Pondering the patterns that float about his head and around his mind and she pauses. She sensing an urge to run and to run she must. With a few minutes delay, she knows her curiosity has exceeded her logic and she now must dab a period to end that page.

She pulls into her driveway and sighs….. gahhhh… “What am I doing”, she asks. Unbuckling her seat belt, she glances behind her, investigating the headlights drawing near and confronting her own naivety.  Washing her hands of the filth and scrubbing her neck of the redness from the vampires’ suck,she sinks into her bed and feels defeated once more. Does she sulk in her pity or does she laugh away her mistakes? Without a second thought, she removes her clothes and showers off her body to rid the smell of him. She bows her head downward,watching as the water twirls down the drain like a tornado and the memories follow behind. Her defeat is just enough for her to learn from and just enough for her to regret. Only for a second, then she centers herself back to her reality, knowing that venturing off into the night lends for no positive interruptions.

 

 

 

 

Happiness ( Pt.1)…

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.”- Denis Waitley

Sometimes we feel like we are always working toward something better or toward a better situation or place in life that we dismiss ourselves from our present world completely and become little soldiers preparing for this mystical future we all seek. This way of thinking is why no one is ever truly happy in life. We never truly get to this mysterious place we call our future, not in the sense in which we’ve envisioned. We do not live for today and we always expect more from ourselves, ridiculing and mentally punishing ourselves to the point that a future self is more bearable to imagine over the present self we see around us. We all have goals and aspirations and to think we are not doing enough to get there or to think we should have been there already is a waste of time and energy, plain and simple. This frame of thinking needs to be replaced with mere acceptance. Accepting our current situation for who we are, how we are, and for our situation, whatever that may be, is how we fully gain peace and harmony within.

The main factor for us being unhappy is stress, or how we deal with stress rather. Our perception is the driving force behind why we feel so negatively and react negatively to stress. Things that we rule as out of our control begins to grow heavier and heavier on our minds, creating an even bigger sense of anxiety and self hatred, helplessness , and in some cases, depression.

All of these feelings of self doubt and anxiety partake in our pre-consciousness, and it’s up to us to consciously take control of these issues rather than responding as it wants. The mind tried to protect itself and sometimes the mind does the exact opposite. So, when we fail at something , the feelings we feel pre- consciously is counterproductive to how we should feel or how we should react healthily to such.

Knowing that, if we fail at something, instead of allowing these feelings to consume our mind and predict our actions, we need to react differently than what automatically occurs. So, when we fail, change perceptions as to how to feel. Our mind will lie to us, telling us to feel negatively after each failure but that’s just to protect the per- consciousness. To protect the consciousness we need to be more active , self aware, and logical. Instead of allowing self ridicule , sabotage,and doubt, allow acknowledgement of the problem, changing views on why you failed, assigning cause and blame to where it belongs, and ultimately approaching the problem even more experienced than before and without the poisonous toxic emotions that would otherwise prevent success.

So that’s that… No more excuses , problem solved, yes? Well it is and is not that simple. There’s a few more things to consider….