hmmmm, Well, my analytical mind is covered in garbage chemicals right now so forgive my ramble and please just move on and don’t read.But if you are going to go against my advice and read this junk then pay close attention. You might not like what I have to say and well, that’s really the point, I guess. Looking in the mirror at ourselves can be a scary thing. And, I’m going to do this so if you’d rather not watch- stop reading.
We fight for what and who we love in life, but mostly we fight with ourselves to be who we think we are inside. Sometimes those lines can get blurred and quite frankly completely insincere. Sometimes it takes something to hit you like a train to step back and analyze yourself. I mean to really take a deep look inside and be real with yourself. Not placate and excuse your actions with minuscule reasons fired by reassuring behaviors that we all are found guilty of doing. Ya see, we are both good and evil. We contain both personalities. Who we really are is not what we show others. We have many sides and hardly try to fix the bad sides, but only indulge when no one is looking. Then, we try to over-compensate with good deeds and acts of kindness. But when does one line end and the other begin? How can we tell which one we feed most often and when we’re simply manipulating our actions of good to make up for the bad?
I bet right now you’re saying, “well that’s not me. I’m awesome!” Well, that is a lie. You may have awesome attributes but you also have horrible ways about yourself in which you never face head-on. Well, today we are facing them head-on!
All I am trying to do in life is find balance, peace, and beauty. I have sides to my personality that I loathe in others. And I never really try to change them. Yet, I ignore them as if it’s going to just disappear on it’s own without any active effort on my behalf. I blame others for my ways and I fall into self-pity, underestimating my own demons. I hate this. I want to fix it but I first have to pin-point the base. Why am I so screwed up? Why do I think so much and why, if I am so self-aware as I am proclaiming, can I not rid the ugly sides to myself and just be pure. I guess the well is already drawn? Maybe being reborn is the only way to clear the palette. Well, that’s not completely true, Locke and Rousseau got it wrong with their whole “blank slate” theory. Maybe if I could stop moving for a moment and face things, then maybe I can self-adjust?
But no, my balance has been off-scale for far too long, I keep my head in the clouds for far too long, and I find beauty when there’s none to be found. I am manipulating and lying to myself every day. So where’s the ending sight? How do we fix ourselves? Do we turn to God? That really doesn’t seem fair to him. I mean, here God- take my mess of a life after I’ve screwed it up so badly and fix it for me, would ya? Doesn’t seem like a fair trade to me. Why can’t we turn to him with pure souls already and be like “I’m here to work for you and I want nothing in return.” Wouldn’t that be ideal?? I don’t know what I am even saying anymore. I am out of my element here I guess.
Either way, we need to just fix ourselves. This is why we live so miserably. It’s not the people around us making us miserable,really. It is us. We are not happy with who we really are and we blame our neighbors. We grab the closest one to us and hurt them because we really want to hurt ourselves. That is, if you have good residing in there as well. If you are still good but possess bad things that you’re less than proud of, then you’re going to lash out at indirect situations surrounding you. It’s just easier to sleep at night when we have a human punching bag. But we need to stop!!! We need to own our darkness!! We need to own it so we can begin to fix it. We are too sad inside our minds to maintain it for too much longer. SO FIX IT YOURSELF!!No one else is going to!
I’m not going to launder all my dirty business but I will say that the innocence I once had, well, it’s gone. The purity I felt, its gone. The ease of just being, it’s gone. I want those things back! I want to free this anger and escape the thoughts of myself I hide from. Like literally hide from. I’ll think of something, then manually yet mentally change the stream of thoughts to something prettier. Something more tolerable. Trying no longer is good enough. I am no longer on a bargaining system with myself. I have to own all the pieces of me as my own without passing blame to my past. I have to take control or it’s going to end up controlling me. Like I said, none-sense ramble, right? To some, probably. Or maybe not to some? Depends on if you’re being honest.
The problem is- where do I start? I mean, what comparative structure do I go by? My teachings?ha!!! I think not!!! So, I will start by my own judgement. I will start by not being a hypocrite. I will start by not lying to myself and manipulating my world as if it were a video game. I will face me. I will be able to breathe but first I have to rid the poison. The poison from others and within. The poison that’s led me here all along. The poison that grips you by the hand and won’t let go, leaving tracks all over the mind until you cannot fight it, kill it, hide from it, or see past it. The poison that seeps into all of us without our consciousness. The poison of which we’ve all taken a sip.
But the truth is- Am I just now, as I type, lying to myself. Can I really change any of these things that bind my hands, and cover my eyes, and weigh me down in life to the point that I can not live my own life anymore. Am I running from something that cannot escape me? Am I fooling myself into thinking I have this sort of power? Or am I merely a product. A sitting duck? A painting already drawn? A sad attempt at life that just couldn’t quite reach the surface?
With anything in life, I guess time will tell….